As I watch other poets
retell their fake lives
on this nightmarish eve that falls
a strange sense of jealousy comes over me.
Am I living mine or giving mine to them?
As Ms. Roberts goes on her own journey.
Good gone bad gone bored gone to be mystified
by the hypnosis machine of old.
How awkward things have gotten in the realm of Ms. Roberts.
I love it. Tres adventurous. She just puked. – RSM
As I pass my high school on ye olde bus route
I feel a redemptive chill run down my spine,
Striking a chord that no song could touch upon
Nor any words could make me think about.
I was a good boy, following all the rules
To get into a good college.
Now my life is all about ‘been there, done that,
Appointment this, appointment that’
And yet I feel a regretless sense of satisfaction
To know Im making better decisions sooner than later.
I’m doing what I must to show who I trust
That I’m a swimmer, not a sinker.
A former party boy nowadays
With no intention of going back to his old ways.
I never asked anyone to ‘Put the money in the bag’
Because good times on my mind was all I ever had.
Let this be a lesson learned to myself:
There are other ways to heaven,
Dont put yourself through hell.
As my crooked jaw line clicks into place
I hear the ambient sounds of the air propelled
from my netbook into my eardrums.
I press and switch away on the keyboard
to combat boredom hand-to-hand.
A serenity-ridden, guilt-stripped night
where I have thus far achieved my ultimate goal.
Rewinding time is as impossible as it sounds,
even memories get distorted.
Late is better than not at all to right wrongs
and improve on self-perceived imperfections.
Xes not on my mind for once, seY I’m a mirror
Of what I’m used to being lately; calm, cool,
collected my thoughts and placed them in order.
Does that make me the same? Different?
Was I ever addicted to anything but love, really?
It does make the world go round, ya know.
Aristotle was onto something when
he equated the rotation this oblate spheroid
having it’s power come from laughter and joy
Yet everyman wants to be more, not less,
It’s always No, not Yes.
As the music pumps peace through my veins
I smile at these words, not even caring that
life will never be the same.
It will be better. – RSM
An infinite shame hath been cast on my imagination
and that is where it will stay.
Curiosity made the cat ask ‘What’s that’?
but as I now embark on a quest to
Take Back Sunday with fortified Sleep Armor
I find myself the Master of my Domain;
a musically learned Kobra with no need for
a crafty snake charmer.
I have the venom in my veins that could sting so hard
the moon and stars have to shield their word processors
for the intellect about this repaired little canoe is so TRUUU
you’ll wonder, if you’ve done me wrong why I’ve spared you.
A meditative Chinese Snake I am,
forming figure 8s as I shed my old skin,
all the while old memories of being the life of the party
makes my muscles clench like a high flying Hardy
boyyyy you have no idea where I’ve been, how many
blocks I’ve been around, how many towns across the
Atlantic I’ve unleashed my party animal for a swim,
I still didn’t drown.
How playfully ironic Life can be
when you can poke fun at you, yourself and me.
Admitting faults is the name of the game
when you’re rebuilding confidence and keeping yourself sane.
The End never comes until you’ve lost the will
so I’ll sit back, relax and chill
as these words escape my mind at my discretion,
regardless of their affiliation or impression
I forgive trespasses with the expectation of vice versa,
Typing these lightning bolts or writing in cursive,
hitting high notes and being subversive,
Tone is the difference between speaking to los Reyes
and letting the Devil come out, then you’re the ‘True Playa.’
Don’t play the game unless you’ll be a good sport
If you lose, don’t be a sore one at that.
Black, White, Pink, Purple, we’re all from the jungle
so be respectful to all the Cool Cats. – RSM
I was going through it from late summer until mid October. If parents are reading, Johnny and Jane aren’t just going through a phase if they’re freaking out over post-college plans or if they can’t seem to find that one stable job.
Growing up has taken a whole new meaning to the generation with the social label of ‘Millenial’ placed on them. The economy in the United States has shifted many a mindset from saving to holding onto what you have for dear life, for the ‘kids’. If 20-somethings aren’t kids anymore (we’re not) we are now at the very bottom of the totem pole in the adult world.
Things are different. A friend told me once, “Getting a good job nowadays is like getting a record deal.” This is what my personal quarter life crisis had centered around. This is how I managed to keep on keepin’ on through some recent hard times:
1. Self Awareness.
I made a lot of friends and memories in my young adult years (18-24 years old). Looking backwards and forwards like a confused driver who can’t fit into his parking spot, I’ve realized what kind of person I am. Mistakes were made and awesome times were had. I hold no regrets in my mind or on my chest or anywhere else in my proverbial anatomy. Growing up doesn’t always mean logging your height on your doorframe. It means taking a step back and looking around to see what it is you want in life and how to achieve it. Achieve on, friends.
2. Breaking up with Denial.
“My parents don’t want to me to do this.”
“I love him/her, it doesn’t matter if they’re not good for me.”
“I’ll do that life changing thing later, it’s too much work.”
Those statements are all BS. If you think BS thoughts then YOU are BS. Think about it. It’s one thing to take on too much at once and then implode; I did that and it sucks. But to deny responsibility for one’s own actions is an irreplaceable trait of the unwanted. No one digs a liar. Contemplate on that before you apply to do anything you have to apply to do. It will hurt you more in the long run to “Fake it ‘til you make it” then to “Be real and see what happens.”
3. Have Fun
You have a lot of responsibility, you young adult you, but it’s still a great idea to go to that concert, meet someone new, and kick ass on the dance floor when you can! This is the basis of life: enjoying it. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and chicks don’t go for the dull boys. Same thing applies to all other romantic combinations. If you can’t have fun while being destroyed by The Man or your job, then they have you on a tighter leash than you may be willing to admit.
4. Toning Down The Nonsense
Not enough fun, sadly is not as bad as too much fun. Such is the downfall of many a Millenial crossing over into young adulthood. I’m a victim of my own inner party animal running a bit too wild and free. We all love to party, but some of those late nights should count for something more than being the one to last the longest on a keg stand. Toning down the nonsense simply means every night is not a good time. Some nights suck. A lot. What matters is being able to hold back that rave-thirsty individual within you until the time is right and in moderation with more important priorities. I’ll be rereading this paragraph for months to come to let it sink into my own head.
5. Self Reassurance
Does life suck?
Yes.
Getting exactly what you want out of life is never easy and very rare. Working to get what you want makes whatever comes your way all the more easy to deal with. Times with friends can help you forget that you’re alone in the world, fighting tooth and nail to achieve whatever you set out to do. Family will always remind you that you never really were alone in the world. As long as you don’t get too down on yourself or go crazy with stress, you’ll be fine; I mean hey, I did both and I’m still hanging in there. – RSM
When it hits it throws me into a fit.
I don’t call it a block, what a misnomer that would be.
when I can’t make a new line, a new sentence, paragraph,
I feel like I need to giraffe my neck over the clouds
and take a horizon-style gander at what I could write
or type down after the previous clause.
I don’t call it writer’s block because when I feel
that no new writing is harvesting on my mental farm
I feel trapped, suffocated; clause-trophobia sets in as
my life begins to implode.
What a silent freak out it always is.
My mind’s gears turn and turn
and churn out no result of the sort that
I feel that I was born to do, no due date needed
when my word mill’s gone a-dry.
No muse do I call but my own mirror, however, when
my and mice’s plans to write hath gone awry.
“Take it easy, take a break. No rush, it’s all great!”
Yet I feel stifled when I’m in such a state
where the national policy is cutting off the creative juices on tap
to those who depend on such an ale for all potential ailments.
Whether strong or frail as a Pensman or Penswoman,
Don’t let a simple situation like an idea drought
lead to your train of thought’s derailment.
Push through the block and get to the writer’s street corner.
You’ll find much surroundings to paint in your notebook,
or laptop or wherever you speak,
Like Jimi Hendrix playing from a hoopde down the street
and lots of beef down the block, in the butcher’s shop
cause the butcher just got arrested by the cops
for serving expired slop,
or
that time on that 90 degree angle
between Avenue X and Boulevard Y
when a mischievous child let water balloons fly.
Unsuspecting groceries got a bag full of wet
and the lady who owned them wanted his head.
On this writer’s street corner the positive reigns supreme
for a ‘block’ of such implies a stoppage;
Word to Goose Gossage, just write something random
and the writer’s apex-complex offers no more animosity.
Olly Oxymoron, oui, just let the words flow through you.
Take a walk outside when blocked, my fellow writers,
and remember how the streets once knew you. – RSM
What a strange world I see.
Even in the waking day
most are half asleep;
At the very least incognizant
of what’s beyond the surface,
sometimes even while walking the streets.
As my waking rate in the last 3 days
sits high on 88 in terms of percentage,
I feel as if reality is bittersweetly blemished
with the notion that I’m dreaming, but I’m not at the moment.
The lines get blurred when my bed stays dormant.
It was with good intention that I lacked getting rest
but even the best karma has its tests.
This unintentional experiment was so clandescently downplayed
as much as the not so finely printed danger warning states:
To live well, one must be asleep and awake in a moderate, rhythmic and balanced way.
Of course, no plan is foolproof with variables roaming like a gang of free radicals,
so every now and then a late night reflection drags on,
My eyes hurt, my mind’s worse,
and headphones further impair my senses along
with cheap sunglasses aiding in bright light’s deflection.
On top of some things and well behind others
is the current location on my life’s navigation,
yet despite my trip-ulations,
for lack of a better term
I’m happy right now to eat the apple
and not taste the worm.
I always try to do the right thing when I see someone in need.
So tonight ill Stuy in Bed,
and as my head rests in The Bronx
I’ll think of my future Southeast.
A couple of days ago while clearing out old boxes in our apartment my mother found a journal I had kept as part of my daily class assignments in the 4th grade. Every entry is dated between Sepetember 1999 and June 2000.
It was humbling as well as mind blowing to see what was on my mind when I was 9 – 10 years old. I realized that despite a 14+ year difference from then to now I have a very similar outlook on life as I did while in elementary school. A few words are misspelled and some entries are unfinished, but a lot of what I re-read from the journal made me think really deeply about my own perspective and how it has evolved with age. It was also a laugh riot much of the time. I read through the whole thing a few days ago and have several interesting quotes to share from my pre-pubescent, unwaveringly optimistic self:
1. My prediction of what life would be like at age 20:
September 15, 1999:
“At the age of 20, I’ll probably look for a job. I want to be either a lawyer, a cop or an architect.”
I was way off there.
2. A more accurate prediction about ‘The Simpsons’:
September 21, 1999:
“My favorite TV show is The Simpsons because its so funny. I watch it every day. I think that show should never come off air. It’s the best show.”
The Simpsons have not gone off the air since their first season in 1989. Called it, bruh.
3. My theory of how space travel would solve the eventual problem of overpopulation:
September 23, 1999:
“If I went to space, I’d try to find planetary systems. I’d build a glass dome on every planet I find so people can live on other places than Earth. I’d make spaceships go much, much faster. That way we can reach new planets faster, that way Earth won’t get crowded.”
Not a bad idea I guess, although technology isn’t there just yet.
4. An eerie anecdote about a recurring dream:
September 30, 1999:
“My dream last night was a [dream I had] dreamt before. It’s when I’m on a swing over train tracks. I almost got hit and then, I wake up.”
This one was really interesting to me, especially considering in recent years I’ve done much research on lucid dreaming and have tried successfully several times to make myself lucid. I even remembered what this dream looked like when I read this! It was something that hadn’t crossed my mind in over a decade and I didn’t even remember that I had recurring dreams at 9 years old. Triptastic.
5. A visit from the leaders of the Ursuline sisters to my school.
Ocotber 8, 1999:
“I thought yesterday was great! Yesterday Sister Letizia and Sister Maria Dolorosa [De La Rosa*] came over to my school. I think they had a great time. I know I did!”
This was a very special day. The leaders of the Ursuline sisters, an international organization of nuns who founded my elementary/middle school St. Philip Neri came to visit the school. My 4th grade teacher was Sister Jeannie, an Ursuline nun who will always have a special place in my heart. She invited me and my classmate/best friend in life Bianca to come have lunch with the Ursuline sisters, one from Indonesia and one from Italy if I remember correctly. Me and Bianca were selected because we had the best grades in Sr. Jeannie’s class. It was a great time and there was even an article in the Roman Catholic local newspaper Catholic New York where Bianca and I were interviewed about the reconstruction of St. Philip Neri Church. I did a lot of internet digging but couldn’t find the article =(.
6. My undying love for The New York Yankees and my rivalry with my dad, a life long Mets fan:
October 13, 1999:
“The Yankees are the best team ever! They’ve won 24 championships and this year ther might win their 25th! My dad says the Mets are better though. But that’s not true. Because the Yankees rule!”
The Subway Series rivalry has been a recurring topic between me and my dad throughout my life. The Yankees went on to win the World Series that year and made it a 3-peat in 2000. They won the whole thing again in 2009. I really hope Derek Jeter can retire on a championship this year.
7. My thoughts on the imagination:
October 18, 1999:
“I use my imagination to do anything or go anywhere. My imagination makes me anything. I can be swimming with the fish or flying with the birds.”
I like this one a lot. By coincidence in recent years I used a similar line as the last sentence in a song I wrote.
8. Where I thought I would be at age 28:
October 27, 1999:
“When I’m 28 I hope to have a nice life. I’d like to have a wife. I think I’ll have a child, too. I’ll have a decent job to support my family; I think being 28 will give me responsibility. I’m sure I’ll be mature enough to handle it . . .”
A surprisingly level-headed and humbling statement to re-read from my 9 year old self.
Who knows? I’ll be 28 in 4 years and usually don’t make plans past a week into the future. In 2018 this might be a reality, but we’ll have to wait and see.
9. My plans when I thought about running for President in 2000:
November 5, 1999:
“If I were President I would make the U.S. the most enjoyable country in the world! I’ll make school fun! For lunch they’ll be McDonald’s food (which will be required by law). Every time someone has to take their child to their job, the kid automatically gets transported to the nearest D.Z. (D.Z. is short for Discovery Zone. This is also required by law.) D.Z. will include laser tag, arcade games and climbing tubes (this is all required by law).”
Dude. Lmfao.
My 9 year old fantasy of being POTUS involves a lot of ridiculously short-sighted executive orders mainly revolving around the happiness of children, which is great; in hindsight however I’m not too sure an exclusive contract between McDonald’s and every school cafeteria in the U.S. is such a great idea. It is a true shame though that Discovery Zone isn’t really around anymore. I was the epitome of a 90’s kid.
10. Another really cool one about dreaming:
November 10, 1999:
“When I sleep, I dream about fantasy worlds, mystical journeys and mythical adventures. I can do anything in my dreams. That means I can do anything, anywhere, anytime, anyplace! But when I wake up it’s all over. But there’s always tomorrow…”
Totally love this entry! It reminds me that as a youngster I was just as much a free spirit as I am now, and wondered about life, dreaming and consciousness even back then. Sankofa in full effect.
11. Perfectionism and anxiety over my grades.
November 17, 1999:
“I hope my report card is wonderful. I usually get good grades, but this is a new teacher I’m dealing with. I’m curious about my report card, but I’m afraid too.”
Another recurring theme in my life: grade anxiety. I love the drawing. Such symbolism. I had nothing to worry about; throughout elementary I school I got straight A’s for the most part. This may have been the trimester where I got first honors in my class. I’ll always remember that not so much for the academic achievement as much for the fact that when I got first honors in the 4th grade it was the only time I outdid my life long friend Bianca in that respect. She usually took first honors and I always got second honors. *Dusts off shoulder*
*Drops Mic*
12. A great entry to display on the 4th of July:
November 19, 1999:
“Life in the colonial times was hard and diffcult. Well, that’s just my opinion. In the colonial times America had just started and they were still under the control of Great Britain. They had a Revolutionary War and to Britain’s surprise, the thirteen colonies won. If the thirteen colonies hadn’t won, we’d be slaves of Great Britain!!”
I made a scared face with the dots on the exlcamation points. I didn’t want to be Great Britain’s slave. Happy Independence Day. LOL
13. A weird little piece of flash fiction:
November 30, 1999:
“One day, Dan Latchmen, the detective, was trying to solve a mystery.
‘There isn’t any clues to this murder,’ he said.
But when he asked a nearby neighbor, he received some information.
‘I saw strange shadows,’ said the neighbor. ‘It looked as if one person threw a bunch of knives at the other person.’
‘Well, do you know who the murderer is or who he is?’ said Dan.
‘Mommy says I shouldn’t talk to strangers,’ said the neighbor.
???The?End???”
I laughed really hard just now while typing this out. Detective Latchmen was on to something there.
14/15: My ‘best dream’ and an unusual pet.
January 4, 2000 (I wrote ‘1999’ out of habit):
“My best dream is when I’m flying with the birds over New York City. I can see everything! A plane passes by. A person inside waves to me. Then I hang on as tight as possible and hitch a ride to Hong Kong!!”
I totally love this. I completely forgot that back then I had dreams of flying on the backs of birds. I’ve had lucid dreams in recent years where I fly like Superman and it is the most amazing feeling. It’s really cool to see that this dream in particular was what I considered to be my ‘best dream’ over 14 years ago. A certain friend of mine would appreciate the reference to Hong Kong ;).
January 5, 2000:
“An unusual pet is an invisible dog.”
I’m not sure if I just didn’t feel like writing much at the moment or if I was just being a smart ass here. Probably a mix of both.
16. “I, Ruben Muniz, have a dream . . .”
January 19, 2000:
“I, Ruben Muniz, have a dream that there will be no more violence on Earth at all. Every gun, rifle or bazooka will be thrown away. Anyone who tries to harm anyone else will be put in jail for 2 years or will pay a fine of $5,000.”
We did a writing exercise around the time of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day in which we wrote our own versions of ‘I Have A Dream’. Mine started off with a great topic sentence, but my details on how to achieve world peace may have been a bit off. I don’t know if 2 year prison terms and $5,000 fines would stop violence worldwide, but those damn bazookas have got to go!
17. Me definitely being a smart ass:
February 4, 2000:
“I think we have rules to break them! Just kidding. I really think we have rules because we wouldn’t be sybalized [civilized*]. If there’d be no rules life would be wild and dangerous.”
In the fourth grade I was a top student in terms of academic grades but had one of the worst sets of conduct grades. This was probably around the time I got my report card with A’s down the line in every academic subject with a bunch of C’s and D’s right next to them in the conduct grade chart. I was venting, but I think had just gotten grounded for bad behavior grades even though I had a 90something average.
Could you really blame me?
18. ‘Crazy things’ on Valentine’s Day:
February 14, 2000:
“It’s Valentine’s Day, and crazy things are happening. A kindergardener gave me a valentine, my friend brought his crush a rose, and two other boys are betting who can get a girl first!! Doesn’t love make ya do some stupid things? I think so!”
Lmao. Wise words about love.
19. “What did you learn in the fourth grade?”
June 14, 2000:
“Some things I’ve learned is that you must believe in yourself. You have to give it your all every time and if you fail, try until you succeed.”
This was part of my last and favorite entry in my 4th grade journal. This one left me speechless for all the right reasons. I would say ‘I couldn’t have said it better myself,’ but, yeah.
It was such a humbling experience coming across writings of mine from such a long time ago. Reading through the whole thing and writing this article really reassured me that throughout all my life’s changes, I’m still the same kid at heart. – RSM
An old song that’s fairly recent plays via random algorithm sequence
dictated by 1’s and 0’s as far as we know, although this frequency prompts
insightful inquiries into the former me; one in the same
but another day comes and I am born yet again.
I always play this song when something’s on my mind
but not in the literal sense, hence if such were the case
I’d put it on loop and play it all the time.
Thoughts always pacing, walking, sometimes racing
within the confines of the infinite lines of the figure 8 track
of the super highway that is consciousness;
I promise this: whenever I look back and listen to this melody
the weight will fall off my shoulders and give way to serenity.
The vibes strive to make me feel alive as I feel the kind and all too familiar syncopation
adjust my mood to its sonic stipulations.
In a world where war comes in many forms
any moment of peaceful trancsendence is to be remembered and cherished;
it could be laying in the grass on a sunny day,
a hot dog in the city with mustard and relish,
a walk down the street or through memory lane,
a random street fair you find around the corner,
a cold glass of water on a summer afternoon,
a nap on a plane or a car or a train,
a clear night sky with a shining moon,
or anything that takes you to another plain.
Ironically enough I find the most peace with a song
from a band called ‘Explosions in the Sky’.
The name is the same as my favorite thing to do
with a lover. It’s called “Your Hand In Mine.” -RSM
Rubén Sebastián Muñiz | ∞ 